She wears all black
just like her soul
yet her heart is made of gold.
notes to my father (via marlboro-kisses)
mommy ? i think you feel like this
1. today my mother hugged me and told me that my skin smells like yours.
2. the other day i heard someone laugh and i swear it sounded the same as yours.
3. when something happens, i can’t wait to get home and tell you about it and it hurts like hell that i can’t.
4. they say the older i am, the more i am like you.
5. i freaked out when my mother put away your coffee mug.
6. when my grandma looks at my mom, i can’t help but see the thought in her eyes ‘i wish you had died instead of my son’.
7. it feels like my brothers only cared for me because we had the same dad. or at least they pretended they did.
8. i remember every single word i said to you in the hospital and i’m sure you heard them.
9. i didn’t say good bye, i only said ‘i will miss you so bad’ .
10. there are days when i don’t remember anything from when i last saw you. i don’t remember how i got home after having a panic attack on the hospital floor.
11. and there are days when it’s so vivid and i can still feel the hole in my chest that i felt back then when i first imagined my life without you.
12. my mother asked me to write the speech for your funeral, because ‘i am a writer’. i’ve never struggled with words so much.
13. i’m sorry i don’t visit your grave too often. seeing that my strong father is only a gravestone now hurts like hell.
14. if only i had the chance to talk to you again, just once more.
15. i will always be your little girl.
this scared me (via madi—sun)
I really miss you; we need to hang out a lot more.
We used to be so close.
Seeing you today made me happy.
I can’t believe we drifted off.
I am so glad we’re close again.
I couldn’t go to the party tonight I’m grounded.
Sorry! I’ll see you tomorrow though.
I need to talk to you.
I’ve texted you about 100 times today,
You haven’t answered any of them.
I’m scared. I hope it isn’t true.
Today they pulled us into the gym.
They told us all what happened.
They told us the counselors would be open.
I saw your mom today.
We didn’t even say a word, we couldn’t.
I gave her your favorite flowers, pink peonies.
We cried for hours.
Your funeral was sad.
The entire school showed up.
Yes even the ones who were mean to you.
I couldn’t talk at the stand, I just cried.
I haven’t written in a while.
I don’t know what to say anymore.
Some mornings I can’t get out of bed.
I never got the chance to tell you I loved you.
I mean loved you, loved you. Now you’ll never know.
I sit by your grave for a few hours everyday.
The doctors tell me it’s not healthy, I tell them I don’t care.
I still love you and it worries me because
I’ll never love anyone the way I love you.
I’m scared because I’m starting to forget
The sound of your voice and
The way your eyes shine in the sunlight
And the warmth of your hugs
I’m sorry I wasn’t there that night.
It should have never happened.
I was always supposed to be there for you.
I haven’t had a sip of alcohol since the accident.
It’s not fair he lived and you didn’t.
The police said he was drunk. It’s not fair you died.
It’s getting bad, I need you here.
I still love you.
I’m coming to see what it’s like over where you are.
I’ll see you soon.